On Monday an epic battle began between me and 

hyla02
 

It was the battle named ‘Dictator VS Democracy’ by BBC West Midlands News (Honest) I don’t know if it got coverage anywhere else though. It consumed me, I stumbled to the brink of madness, I danced about in my pants and punched a mirror like in Apocalypse Now’ The magnitude of the occasion was confirmed when, although she has been spoken about many a time in the annals of this blog, my Mother made her first ever appearance in the (written) flesh form. There were traitors and skirmishes in each camp with both camps adopting different methods to each other and as a result of that having different stories to tell.

Here is the BBC West Midlands News Report on the events -

Lets start with the occurrences in Hyla02 blog, Hyla02 began with the battle cry “Ok my LJ friends, it is time to prove your allegiance to me!!! :D”. making her intentions and approach clear, she wasn’t messing about, she wanted results…and results she got, rather quickly, within seconds her icon had received four votes. Drunkendeadcat gentle persuasion attempts to converse with her loyal subjects were pushed out, barbed wire lined the journal walls and he was escorted off the premises by armed guards. Hyla02 was organised, she had created a poll, a quick and direct way to gain numbers. With a fat cigar in her mouth and mirrored shades, she sat slouched on her throne and cackled at her opponents non-pollness, speculating there would be chaos on his blog. Her minions continued to support her “I voted for yours cos i'm a loyal lj friend” was a familiar retort and hyla02 smiled and nodded her head, ruling with fear and cutting out any room for creativity she was getting results. But suddenly things took an unsuspected turn, there was defiance in her ranks, a lone being of tremendous courage and strength stood up to the enforcer and cried out in the rain - “I voted for the scary kitty because I love you so much that I want us to have our first conflict, thus we can resolve it and, thus, become much closer than before”…oh…that’s not exactly defiant…but STILL a vote for the black and white cat (the one who has nothing to do with Postman Pat). As you may have picked up on there, the title given to the original icon by hyla02 was ‘Scary kitty’ fear tactics are commonly used by evil dictators. There was a piece of controversy when a protestor threw verbal eggs at Hyla complaining of animal cruelty, that her icon was degrading to cats across the land as no cat would be seen in that glasses/cigarrette combination. We spoke to Tiddles, the leader of the 'Feline Empowerment Society' who had this to say "Hylas' icon is a fashion icon...see what I did there...I can assure you many of our members are scampering out this minute taking up smoking and wearing a wide range of spectacles, shaded or otherwise' 

Now we move on to the story of the events that took place on drunkendeadcat blog. A quiet peaceful place where democracy rules and friends are allowed to mill around at whatever pace they desire…like grazing cows.

Drunkendeadcat is a liberal man if a little disorganised, no poll or clear way to submit your vote was implemented, he believed in gentle polite persuasion and compliments were the correct methods to go by…the equivalent of those ‘Accident and injury clipboard people’ who harass you when you’re shopping…although not all of them are polite. Proof that the relaxed way allowing people to be creative doesn’t always work was when certain friends of drunkendeadcat started making their own icons for him, a kind and thoughtful gesture yes but it wasn’t getting him results in the actual competition! We spoke to drunkendeadcat, or DDC as he is sometimes known (By himself) and asked him to comment on this, he seemed to greet it in his usual relaxed and friendly manner without an ounce of worry “My friends are exactly that my friends and I love each and every one of them and each and every thing they bring to me as a gift” What a kind, thoughtful human he appears to be. Unfortunately as the conflict continued he looked in trouble for a large amount of the time and speculation whether he did or did not call in favours were unfounded but the event that is leading most people to whisper that he did was the surprise appearance of A-list friend The Ice Queen of Armageddon who sailed up to the shores in her elegant Ice-Pirate Ship, cast her vote for the drunken one (A former pirate as you know if you know the story otherwise you don’t know if you don’t know the story) and promptly sailed away again as she is rumoured to be suffering from flu, we wish her well.

In conclusion, before we give the results, it was a fierce and well contested battle between two great icons and whoever becomes or remains as the default we are pleased to announce peace talks have occurred and whichever one doesn’t win plus the others that have kindly been made will still remain active and will feature prominently. The generous and thoughtful friends of Drunkendeadcat even suggested having a different one for each day of the week to keep everyone happy.

Ok…here are the results -

On Drunkendeadcat blog = Drunkendeadcat received 14 votes Hyla02 received 6 votes

On hyla02 blog = Drunkendeadcat received 7 votes Hyla02 received 14 votes

Overall 21-20 (Oooh it couldn’t have been closer)

The winner is

Are you familiar with Captain Birdseye? Well if you’re not I’ll tell you about him. Captain Birdseye is this sea captain on adverts for fish fingers here is a picture -



Yes both of them were/are him. But it’s not like this is a record of his ageing process, no. On the left is the old one that they had for ages then they changed to the right one like an action man type because they were worried an old man going out to sea with loads of 8 year olds (His crew are all kids) looked a bit dodgy so they changed it to a younger dynamic model but it was so shocking that people just couldn't get used to him so they've changed it back and there was a big outrage that of course an 'old man going out to sea with kids is not dodgy'. I also found out he used to be called Captain Igloo

I like this one because it is black and white and that’s how I see most things (Not literally metaphorically). I also like that the expression could be interpreted as excited, laughing, shocked, cheekiness or angry, it covers many bases for me. Plus the tongue still makes me laugh after all this time. (Bonus point for anyone who can remember the very first icon I had, that’s going back sixty three years though so don’t worry too much)

Who should win?

You decide

…She’s got a black eye, swollen nose and a cut lip.

But she still won’t give up her Wednesday Night Boxing Class. Ah well she says ‘it’s keeping her active’ and for me to respect my elders so I can‘t stop her.

And she has one of these hats! -

Hers is Lilac though. She loves it, the mad thing is that all her friends at Bingo and Church like it too, they view it as quite a practical hat for the winter chill and are going to buy some : ) My Nan is a Fashion Icon starting Old lady trends, can you imagine an elderly congregation decked out in this attire? Well it’s gonna happen so get used to it you squares! : )

What do you think though? I know all of you are quite fashionable people, would you wear one? Do they suit old ladies?

If you go to this site -

http://www.manythings.org/rs/fun.html

It gives you some randomly generated sentences, this is what I got

It might be possible to sing in London in a week or two (Bit vague)
It won't be bad to read early next month. (Like a blog at 5am : D)
It won't be boring to play next month. (I don’t think it’s ever boring to play any month, that’s the whole point in playing)
It might be boring to jog tomorrow afternoon (Similar thing to the one above)
It's good to run (So don’t jog just run, do everything at full pelt, advice for the few of you that are on a fitness kick at the moment)

They’re a bit samey aren’t they? You can even add in your name to feel included, when I did that this is what I got -

The bus drivers think it isn't hard to read (Which is a relief)
It's not expensive to jump (Depends where)
Jack thinks it isn't boring to walk (That is true I walk everywhere when I don’t get the bus or can’t get a lift)

So there you go just nonsense basically and a few double negatives : ) if you have a go let me know what exciting sentences you get…

The first song has a good message. Promoting masturbation to get over heartbreak …depends how you hear it…if you break some bits up. It’s a term I’m going to be using for my semen from now on anyway.

The second is my 'Conveying my emotions for the day' song anyway -Two for the price of one in songs today, proper ferrero rocher style action
 

As you may be aware (Because I’ve said it before) I’m quite lazy and that’s why I sometimes have a bushy beard because I can’t be arsed to shave it off. When I was about thirteen and started growing a bit of bum fluff fledgling facial hair my Dad used to say I should shave it off because then it grows back, thicker, coarser and darker but that‘s not true. People think it is because hair that has never been cut has a tapered end and then after cutting hair has no taper so it looks thicker and feels coarser because it has sharper unworn edges. So it’s not actually thicker or coarser and only seems darker when it grows back because hair that has never been cut is often lighter due to sun exposure. It’s just that with advancing puberty you get more hair and it gets thicker so it just appears to be reborn a mightier beast after you’ve shaved.

I’m clean shaven at the moment anyway and I had a curry yesterday, eating is very different with and without a beard as me and my Nan are aware. When you have a beard, food gets stuck in it and if it hasn’t been that long and the food hasn’t gone off it’s like the facial equivalent of finding a fiver in the street, a welcome surprise. The problem for me now though is about three months ago my sister saw a bit of mash in my beard or something and was horrified so now she always has a check to see if there’s anything lurking and if there is she nags me and nags me and nags me until I get rid of it, I end up shaving it off in the end (The reason I have this time actually) just to stop her from lambasting me. However when I don’t have a beard and I eat something a bit tricky, like the curry yesterday, I end up looking like a messy baby. And when you’ve got food all over your beardless face you can’t store it for later and it’s a lot more noticeable than bearded so you have to wipe it off. It looks worse as well when you’re shaven.

I am a ’messy food’ hypocrite to be honest. I love eating whole chickens with my hands and stuff like that, getting stuck in and getting a messy visage but if anyone else has the slightest trace of food on their face it makes me feel sick. Have you seen that Tom Hanks film ‘Big’ when he’s a little kid that goes to a carnival and wishes to be an adult and then he is an adult with the same child brain when he wakes up the next day and has to pretend to his Mom he has been kidnapped while living a industrious life as a Toy innovator? Well anyway he meets a woman in that and there’s a scene where they go to the carnival again (Well I think it’s travelled) and eat hotdogs and the woman gets mustard on her face, that’s worse than any horror film for me.

Food all over the face is not nice though is it? If you were on a date with someone and they had food all over their mush would it turn you on? It’s not sexy is it?…only with chocolate? I don’t like that either to be honest, not on the face anyway and to add to that, I may give the impression of a sexual deviant sometimes but ’anything’ on the face I’m a bit of a prude with and squirm.

Is food on the face the biggest faux pas? Apart from shitting yourself, there’s nothing worse than that…or is there? Would you be more embarrassed having food on your face in public or toilet paper sticking out your skirt? Does that only happen in films? How can you let that happen unless you’re drunk? What’s the male non- transvestite version of that? Toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe I suppose, that’s happened to me a few times to be fair but it’s easier to notice. Could the toilet paper sticking out happen to you if you were wearing a kilt? I suppose it couldn’t because usually in the films the toilet paper is sticking out the pants and you’re not supposed to wear pants with kilts.

Manchester United = Jammy Bastards! That’s all I’m saying about last nights Champions League games : )

A shout out to all the new Mothers and Fathers out there, want your child to be a suicidal grunger (Like I was but at a slightly older age than ‘baby’)? Well soothe them off to sleep with one of the saddest songs that has ever been made…in Lullaby form -

I like it : ) It certainly helps me sleep anyway,…recommended for all insomniacs also.

Well done to Jenson Button on winning the Formula1 and massive shout to my underdog hero Sebastien Buemi who finished 16th altogether with six points which is good for his first go…what?…it is good!…sixteenth out of twenty five is good…it is!! It was higher than his team-mate plus six drivers didn’t get any points…well I think it’s good anyway.

Look at this little bit of genius -

Well actually it’s not a little bit of genius is it? It’s a blooming massive collection of genius

It is the largest meatball in the world, well for now anyway, the old record was one hundred and ninety eight pounds 198.6lb and only happened two months ago when Jimmy Kimmel beat a record which was set in Mexico in August! So it seems like the challenge of making the largest meatball in the world is a massive hotly contested battle where the leader is constantly changing, it sounds exciting doesn’t it?

This new one was made by Matthew Mitnitsky, the owner of Nonni's Italian Eatery in Concord, New Hampshire, and it weighs in at an awesome two hundred and twenty two and half pounds! He wanted to ‘Bring the meatball back to the East Coast"

The rules are as follows (If you’re thinking of having a go) - The meatball has to be a giant version made with the same classic ingredients and you have to make it in one day…and people have to be able to eat it. The Guinness Book of records have checked it out and the Main Man Matthew Mitnitskys’ Monumental Meatball fits the bill. I reckon the chance at such alliteration and bragging rights that he has the worlds’ largest meatball (only one though) were also reasons why he had a go not just to bring it back to the East Coast he’s making it communal but really there are private goals involved.

Talking of being communal after it was checked out and approved etc he donated it to The Friendly Kitchen in Concord to ‘Feed the hungry’ what does that mean? Feed the hungry? Who are the hungry? Everyone gets hungry, I’m hungry right now, I would have love to have sunk my teeth in to his meatball. My Mom said they should have given it to Africa but she says that about everything. Don’t worry she’s not as big of a Martyr as she makes out, whenever we had to collect food for Harvest Festival at school she’d give me all the stuff she never wanted like piccalilli (Is there anyone in the world that likes that?) or had gone off. Anyway charity begins at home as they say, it would have been a bit harsh if he’d have made the meatball in full view and knowledge of all the local hungry people making them excited as the meaty aroma wafted around and then shipped it far away, right?

A man in India called Vaibhav Bedi, 26, is suing Lynx because he has had no female attention in the seven years he has been using their stuff, so the adverts Lynx do are a lie, here is one of their naturalistic adverts -

So that’s the type of thing he was expecting to happen.

Mr Bedi wants £26,000 from Lynxs’ parent company ‘Unilever’ (Who have shockingly declined to comment) for the ‘depression and psychological damage caused by the lack of any Lynx effect’ and Court officials in New Delhi have ordered forensic laboratory tests on all the Lynx stuff he has half used.

India's leading compensation litigator Ram Jethmalani is on the case and has issued a strong warning to Unilever "There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don't attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I'd suggest that the company settles this issue out of court."

In India Lynx is called Axe, something used to chop peoples’ heads off…yep. I hope he doesn’t drink Red Bull otherwise he’s in for more disappointment.

You see a lot of girls eating food in public but you never see the actual packet, they have them in their bags or coat pockets or something, what’s that all about?

Nine times out of ten it’s been tortilla type shaped snacks like Doritos or supermarket knock off brand or something but every time I have seen a girl doing it and that‘s been about twenty five thousand times over the course of my life this has been what they’re eating.

Imagine if they had salsa dip as well then I’d be really impressed, that hasn‘t happened yet though. On Tuesday there was a girl getting on train doing it. The thing is though she was still getting on with her life at the same time. Usually I’ve seen girls standing or sitting still doing it like at school all the girls used to do it. Especially in sixth form there would be a table of about six girls sitting around a table eating but with all the stuff in their bags every now and again taking bits out and eating them in between chatting. In those cases it wasn’t limited to just tortillas it was their whole dinner then, sandwiches and even their pop! I used to think it was being a bit greedy hiding their food away but it’s not hiding them so they don’t have to share because they still share so it’s a communal thing and no one seemed to object so it must be something that is done all over the place?

Anyway this girl at the train station was sorting out her suitcase whilst slipping a few from out of her pocket in to her mouth, she was really busy sorting something out while doing it seamlessly, her busy faffing about and Dorito eating melded in to one fluid motion. She got up when the train pulled up and ate another one, walked down the station a bit in that little dance you do trying to guess and get the nearest you can to where a door is going to be when the train finally stops and ate about three. But when she finally got on the train she sat in front of me and never ate one!! Not that I noticed anyway, I was trying to have a crafty look but you have to be careful doing stuff like that in public, she must only be able to eat whilst in motion (And I guess the train being in motion didn‘t count), girls are good at multi-tasking anyway aren’t they?

Does anyone else know or has seen or do this? Is it so no one knows how much they’ve actually eaten, being all conscious? Maybe that girl at the train station eats in motion to burn the calories off at the same time…it’s a good idea actually.

As you may be aware I do not know that much about Politics but I know a few on my friends-list do so I have heard a phrase used five times in the last two days and I was wondering if anyone could give an explanation for it and if you think it’s true or not. ‘Conservatives for the money, Labour for the people’ I get that they are saying Conservatives are best with dealing with the economy and Labour are best with people but in what way with the people do they mean? Is it true or false? What about the Liberals etc what are they the best at?

The voicemail on my phone doesn’t work. I phoned it up because I have a message that I wanted to listen to, I pressed the one key which is what I have to do to get through but a womans’ voice came on and said ‘Sorry you are having trouble your call will be disconnected (pause) Goodbye’ so maybe that isn’t what I have to do.

How cold is that anyway? Basically saying ‘Sorry you’ve fucked up but I’m not gonna help you (Pause) piss off’. It was delivered in a really unemotional tone as well.

I had to sigh deeply in my outrage at this, I find that’s quite comforting to sigh deeply, it relaxes me. Solitary sighing is good for you, it gets oxygen to your brain and you feel better. When you sigh in front of people it’s a whole different matter though. They either get upset and think you find them boring or they think you are depressed and pester you with sympathy. Don’t keep sighs in though because it’s bad for you it can lead to fibromyalgia, which is a chronic widespread painful response to pressure, so if you do need to sigh or yawn (Which is like a sigh) and you don’t want to offend anyone find a little quiet space and do it if you can, excuses yourself and go to the toilet or something…little tip for you there…don’t use a quiet little space in the same room as the person you want to not offend though, don’t just go and face the wall in the corner of the room, they will think worse things of you then.

Anyway have a listen to one of my favourite songs.

Another little thing for those few that say I don’t write personal things, this is what I do instead : ) Put songs with lyrics that I relate to.

Comment êtes-vous tomber n'importe pas. Elle est de savoir comment vous atterrissez.
How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land!

I believe this to be true.

It’s from ‘La Haine’ a French film crystaleyesd Mentioned it recently as one of her favourite films and it is one of mine too.

You know in France are ‘French windows’ called ‘French windows’? Or just windows? Because in England ‘English breakfasts’ are called ‘English Breakfasts’

Although! English breakfast is also known as a 'Fry up' so maybe there is a slang name for 'French Windows'?

I really like this version of this song -

It stirs something up inside me. Now I know it’s just the original record pitched up, I’m under no illusions don’t worry but I think it’s had a brilliant effect.

Not that I think the original is rubbish, I don’t, I like it as well however you know how the original has quite a playful sound and delivery? Well I think it does, whereas in this version Alvin sings it with immense conviction and passion, there’s a bit of a bite and defiance to it where as the original was quite passive this is a bit aggressive.

You can feel the pain and can tell Alvins’ pride has been knocked and he’s letting it all out. It’s as if Alvin is saying “Yeah! do all these things! Do what you want! I know you will anyway! I don’t care!” although then he has to admit the break up has effected him deeply in his heart. This is the reason he detaches his heart, his lips and fingertips etc making them seem like separate entities to himself so it seems less personal so he saves some face.

I suppose a similarity with both versions is that the words being sang are directed inwards at the singer as well as the one who has or is going to dump them as if Alvin is thinking it through and going over situations where mistakes were made and also to come to terms that it is ending, “You can tell your ma, I moved to Arkansas” (A separation is imminent and can not be avoided) and his fingertips will not be reaching out for his lover anymore.  “You can tell your friends just what a fool I've been” leads me to believe Alvin thinks he has been a fool but perhaps for different reasons to the one who is about to inflict or has inflicted this turmoil upon him.

In the original the chorus is a plea but here it sounds like an order almost…or a threat. In the original it’s just heartbreak on the cards but when Alvin sings “It might blow up and kill this man” he means it as if he will burn out instead of fade away in to eating ice cream in pyjamas crying all the time watching Rom-Coms wishing life was really like them. Here, if Alvins’ heart is told, he will go out on the drink and drugs bender maniac method of getting over someone and may ‘blow up’ in the process. “Oh, you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind. It might be walking out on me today” makes me believe this theory even more.

I can imagine Alvin snarling as he sings in this cathartic cry gripping the microphone tightly. The second verse becomes all that more violent delivered the way it is here as well.

The whole thing is really emotive reminding me of old school blues singers especially the cry of pain at the start and the delivery of the lines “You can tell the world, you never was my girl. You can burn my clothes up when I'm gone” and “Oh, tell your Aunt Louise. Tell anyone you please. Myself already knows I'm not okay” (My favourite bit).

Finally there is an acapella ending where Simon and Theodore belt out the chorus with Alvin which sent tingles up and down my spine. His brothers are there for him, singing in sibling solidarity showing him he doesn’t have to suffer alone.

It can’t be just me who has interpreted it this way?

I was lying in my sleeping bag the other morning, lost in thought and I ate a bit of my ‘eye crusty stuff you get from being asleep’ that’s a bit disgusting isn’t it? Rheum is its medical name, I checked it out and it’s not poisonous or anything so I’m alright in that respect but I don’t think I’ve ever eaten it before (It didn’t taste that nice, a bit like sour pastry) and I’ve never heard of anyone that’s eaten it either. There are probably really dodgy fetish websites for it somewhere because there seems to be a fetish for everything.

Here is the story of how Rheum is born - The nose is connected to the same canal the mouth is connected and then to the oesophagus, All your tubes are connected. The stuff in your eyes is from snot build up, if it has nowhere to go it squeezes it's way out through your tear ducts, sounds like a horror film that does.

Unlike people, who only need a Mommy and a Daddy to be born, Rheum is an orgy baby. It is formed by a combination of tears, leaked blood cells, dead skin cells from the eyelids, dust and mucus (All that horror movie stuff that’s seeped out from the corneas of your eyes)

Usually when you blink the moisture of your eyes and tear ducts washes the orgy away but when you are asleep and obviously not blinking, a tiny bit of dry Rheum forms in the corners of your eyes. Everyone gets a bit of it even healthy people, children get loads but I don’t think vampires do.

Mucus…or snot/boogers/bogeys/etc…is well known bodily substance that gets eaten though isn’t it? The practice even has a name - ‘Mucophagy’…I said there’d be some sort of fetish didn’t I? A fetish we all have no choice but to do.

When you are a kid it’s nice to have a little pick and flick ain’t it? Roll one up and either have a taste or wipe it down the back of someones neck…I think that was an official way to make it clear you wanted to play kiss chase with a specific someone but when you get older than about 12, you’re supposed to turn your back on  the bogey eating life.

But I’m here to say there is no point in stopping! The average person eats about  two pints of mucus a day, so you can’t actually help it! Your nose is full of mucus all day and a good amount of it goes down your throat, hardens, sets up home in the nose and goes through the metamorphosis of mucus to bogey/booger just like Caterpillar to Butterfly, The Pupa Stage always gets missed out when that analogy gets used I feel sorry for it so actually I’m going to include it here : ) if you weren’t aware The Pupa Stage is the resting part between a Caterpillar becoming a Butterfly. The caterpillar first spins a cocoon around its body and also fastens itself to a plant with a silk thread so it’s inside the cocoon and the pupa and then sort of becomes half Caterpillar half Pupa until it completely becomes Pupa all camouflaged to hide from all the animals that want to eat them (I wonder if some get eaten by mistake by animals who eat plants?) and then from Pupa to Butterfly and it emerges all beautiful. If I was to be really technical there are four stages in the life cycle. Too much information here I feel but a different sort of ‘Too much information’ to how some might feel about the Mucus…which I’ll get back to in a minute….So the adult Butterfly flutters down on a leaf and shats out their eggs, when the eggs hatch a small larva emerges and crawls out, this larva of a butterfly develops in to a caterpillar, well it sort of already is as a larva but like a baby caterpillar turns in to an teenage caterpillar to a young adult caterpillar to an adult caterpillar to a mid-life crisis caterpillar to an elderly caterpillar all the time eating and growing…moults a few times as well Each time getting bigger and fatter finally changing in to the lesser known pupa having a lazy life in comparison to the Caterpillar times just hanging on a plant in a small loop of silk like I said and then after a few weeks the pupa turns into a beautiful adult butterfly and goes and shats it‘s own eggs on a leaf and it all starts again like The Lion King. Basically I think Butterflies are Buddhists.

Back to the Mucus….as well as being in your nose, mucus is in your lungs, intestines, digestive system, throat (Usually because it has dripped from your nose), urinary tract and other body tissues so it’s already taken over and conquered your body, resistance is futile, mucus is only water and salt, with some chemicals produced by the body anyway  so there’s no need to panic or be squeamish really it won’t take over your brain and force you to do awfully awful terribly terrible things and then exit your body leaving you to face the punishment for all the atrocities.

Mucus are not bad guys at all in fact, they are good guys that do a hell of a lot all up inside us like brave hero soldier superstars.

They serve as a trap to incoming germs, pollen and dust. Partaking in the act of "mucophagy" (I have my doubts if it is an actual phrase) or being a ‘Mucophagist’ (I know that’s not a real phrase because I just made it up) can be considered healthy because it exposes your body to germs and make you produce antibodies that will fight for your survival inside your immune system, mucus includes small amounts of bacteria and viruses that the cilia in the nose have filtered out of the air so eating them may serve as a sort of natural inoculation process, allowing you to build up immunities to common germs. Mucus spreads itself about a bit as well, it coats the organ membrane (Behave yourself it‘s not what you think) preventing pollutants from invading the organ (Although sometimes an invaded organ can be pleasurable). For example nasal mucus traps dust and any allergens stopping them from invading the respiratory system. Mucus stops parts of your insides drying out too and you got to admit that‘s pretty helpful. Although during Menopause women lose 65% of their mucus and dry out in certain areas…I‘ve made that bit up. Mucus ALSO functions to filter and humidity the air we breathe (So resourceful I bet you didn‘t realise!?! I didn‘t anyway) Inhaled irritants such as moulds (One thing you don‘t want to inhale really is it?), pollen, dust mites, animal dander, smoke (So that‘s why my pipe smoking Grandfather had black snot!!), ash and anything else harmful gets trapped by the mucus, protecting you from infections or inflammation…I suppose this makes it a bit obvious that mucus isn‘t actually that good really, like it doesn‘t have a 100% prevention record and is not a superhero but come on give it a chance it‘s trying…it does moisten food though making it easier to swallow and I don‘t know about you but I prefer to swallow easily. Food can also pass through the intestine more easily because of mucus. In the lungs, mucus functions to smooth the airways linings and trap foreign substances that invade the respiratory system. When foreign substances make their way into the lungs they will be coughed out instantly. So basically Mucus isn’t actually a superhero but it’s like a part time cleaner or a kind Aunt with good intentions that likes to help things along and makes them flow that tiny bit more easily.

Just like humans, mucus are not all lovely folk, there are some bad apples. If you are Asthmatic you often get thicker and viscous mucus, so like stupid aggressive thug Mucus. The Hoodlums are attracted to asthma because excess mucus is produced, blocking the airways. This causes breathing to become hard because your airways are clogged and mucus drainage is lowered…actually instead of Gang-banger mucus being drawn to Asthmatics it sounds like Asthmatics are indeed the human prison for trouble Mucus.  In the nose, when excess mucus is produced, Post Nasal Drip occurs…basically a runny nose…but Post Nasal Drip or PND makes it sound like something much worse, either health wise…or the after effects of too often taking part in a kinky fetish.

Not too be confused with Post Natal Drip…which is probably something pregnant women have.

I was away for a bit because I was a bit ill (Which is a bit mad considering how the last blog I wrote started) but I’m better now, so don’t worry all those who sent messages checking up on me you nosy bastards : ) especially the Drama Queen who sent me (Tongue firmly buried in to their cheek I realise) this song in a message with the words ‘And I've been waiting all this time, (Six weeks in fact!) For my man to come take his hand in mine or write a blog or post a comment on one of mine and lead me away to unseen shores I've been washing the sand-y keyboard with my salty tears searching the shore for these long years And I'll walk the seas of Liveournal forever more ‘till I find my Jackie ohhhh Jackie ooooohhhhh oooo oooo oooo ho ho ho Merry Christmas’

With that amount of sarcastic sincerity I just couldn’t not not not make a blog AND include the song in it!!! : O 

 I sent the message to myself
 

Do you want to play Hangman?

If you don’t know what it is it’s a guessing game where you have to guess what word I’m thinking of and try and discover it by suggesting a letter at a time.

If you suggest a letter that isn’t in the word, I draw (I’ve worked out how to do it on here...sort of...it's good enough haha) a bit of a man being hanged and your goal is to guess all the letters before I finish the drawing and the man is hung.
 
If at any stage you think you know what the word is when only some of the letters have been revealed you can have a go at guessing the whole word

When I told her I was going to do this my sister said I shouldn’t be sexist and call it ‘Hang-person’ instead but I thought the name referred to the gender of the person doing the hanging not actually the one being hung, does anyone know which one it is?

Here are the amount of spaces for the letters in the word -

_  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _

So it is a nine letter word but don’t worry it’s not that hard : ) and it takes 10 wrong suggestions (The way I do it) until the whole hanged individual is complete so that’s good odds I feel : D

So if you want to play suggest a letter at a time in the comment box and so it is fair you can have your own hangman/woman (you can decide the gender and even make it a specific person if you want) in reply which prevents anyone messing it up for you : )

Talking of games has anyone played Arkham Asylum?

I won’t spoil it for anyone but I will say it is brilliant! I really like the free-flow fighting controls, proper makes me feel like I AM Batman and at the end of the day that is one of my all time dreams : ) There are challenge modes were you can just fight baddies and I go on them and counter, counter and counter for about twenty minutes, almost better than sex it is, you can just stand there and not get hit doing Bruce Lee style action no matter where they attack you from, making them look silly…unless they have knives and you have to cape stun them or glowsticks and then you have to jump over their heads or they get a gun out of a cupboard then you have to leap over to them quick sharp and knock them out but if they have pipes you can counter and take them off them and give them a little dig with them…there are also mad bastards that throw shit at you as well, you have to jump around them too.

The whole game is great fun though, I don’t think it ruins it to say I thought the hardest bit was the Poison Ivy boss battle until I stopped aiming my batarang and just did the automatic throw and my favourite parts were the Scarecrow bits, well scary especially the ’Young Bruce’ part.

When you get the upgrade to string the henchmen up from Gargoyles is great fun too

My sister got seven A* and three As in her GCSES…what a fucking swot : )

TLOs’ girlfriends’ mate (Sounds like one of those urban myth stories with that tenuous link doesn’t it?) got thrown out of a club for having a little suck on her boyfriends’ willy (He got thrown out too) That’s a bit embarrassing as it is ain’t it? But her excuse was “I thought it was a cigarette”…that’s a bit of a ‘blow’ to her boyfriends’ pride isn’t it? What’s that saying about the shape and size of his member?

And by the way, this isn’t one of those ‘My mate has a problem when it’s really me’ type of things either so don’t be starting that one : )…mine is shaped like a curly-wurly

I really like this song and I think this is a great cover -

I couldn’t find the original, maybe I will soon now Youtube has agreed a deal to let music videos be on there again? Like that mattered anyway with the amount of people loading up their own copies hehe…well actually it did matter because I couldn’t find the original of this song could I? So I’m talking cack there really : S Prince videos will be allowed again now though probably.

.....However, according to her, last night wasn’t the best night to have before her birthday. I don’t know why she’s so bothered about yesterday because it don’t really count as her birthday does it? Probably because it wasn’t but apparently for her it hasn’t “Set her in the right mood to have a nice sleep and wake up and celebrate the day”

I wouldn’t mind but she’s such a Drama Queen, all that has happened is someone (Not me honest) Brought my brother (Whose Birthday was last Sunday, not yesterday but the one before, I forgot to mention that, he was 9) a water pistol from Tamworth and gave it to him when they came back from their Dads’ house (alright it was me)

“It’s a gun!” “That shoots water” “It’s still a gun” “Not really Mom it can’t kill anyone” “You can drowned in six inches of water Jack” “It’s not gonna drowned anyone Mom!!!” (It really isn’t, it’s about five inches in size so we’re ok)

So in her eyes I’m in trouble for giving a firearm to a nine year old : S That is how she is explaining it to people!! She was on the phone to my Aunty (Her sister) saying “Oh Yeah! You’ll never guess what Jack has done now? He brought the little one a gun!”

My Mom always exaggerates, one day she’ll get me shot!

If you go here -

http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/starfacts.html

There are pictures of porn stars telling you a random fact : ) Every time you refresh the page you get a different porn star telling you a different fact

I wouldn’t want my facts displayed in any other way : )

Have a look, see if you can find the one where the woman looks like she has just sneezed, the apple eater and in my opinion the sexiest one with the bra strap just falling off the shoulder

Don't worry none of them are graphic or anything, like this one -



Just looks like a proper relaxed holiday snap doesn't it? : )

And to all the Eastenders fans out there is this Kat Slater? -



This one is definetley Aisleyne Horgan Wallace (Yes I know her full name) out of Big Brother and Screenwipe isn't it!!!??? -



People say men can't multitask! But trust me this site has proved I can :)

Once again, after winning the Reserve League last season, Aston Villa have won something else no one cares about!!! The Peace Cup! It was 0-0 after full-time and extra-time so it had to be settled on nerve-jangling penalties,  Del Pieros’ penalty was the worst penalty taken in the history of the world.
 

My Mom doesn’t drink alcohol because she had a whisky and coke at an office party once, got on a bus and felt sick. The thing is though, my Mother suffers from travel sickness so…yeah…that’s all I need to say really isn’t it?

Looking through your friends-list recent entries blog page thing can be quite an emotional rollercoaster can’t it? Well mince can anyway, hehe I put mince instead of mine but I’m keeping it because it made me laugh : )

You see happiness next to sadness, excitement next to anxiety, people brimming with confidence and others assembling the foundations and building back up again, some even throwing the bricks away in anger for a bit, all next to each other. Suppose that is life isn’t it?

My Mom always goes on about ‘genuine problems’ she means only really devastating catastrophes should get you down, well what she deems as devastating catastrophes anyway and that’s the thing. I remember having a chat with two girls when I worked at the cinema and one of them had a reputation with other members of staff for being a 'Drama Queen' she’d weep like she was in mourning when she broke her nail or panic as if she would be executed if the popcorn bins weren’t constantly topped up (Why do they call them bins anyway? Who wants to eat out of a bin? They also get called troughs which isn’t much better)

The other girl was really calm under pressure and never seemed to get upset about anything. I won’t go into too much detail here but I’ll just say that her Father was a really evil man. So, in the rare occasion anything reminded her of him she would cry.

It makes me think, your life and the severity of your problems are relevant to you aren’t they? That sounds like I’m stating the obvious but do you know what I mean? If you have a nice comfortable home life and you don’t really have any hardships and then you fall over and cut your knee that is gonna be the worst thing to happen to you where as if you have an abusive parent or partner, cutting your knee won’t worry you as much as fearing for your life.

I’m not saying it’s a competition,  that there is a list of bad things to happen to you ranked in order of terribleness, I’m not saying that at all, I’m disagreeing with my Mom in a way. I’m saying all problems are valid in your life depending on your experiences and people shouldn’t be ridiculed for feeling upset although you should always look for a possible solution if there is one.

Going back to the conversation with the two girls. The one who had been abused by her father said she used to feel anger that the other girl would get so upset about ’trivial’ things and also feel a bit jealous that those were her biggest worries in life. However over time she changed her opinion thinking that people can only go on their own lives. That girl had not been abused, bullied or anything worse than having pressure bestowed upon her to keep the concessions stand in great condition and to be fair if she didn’t she would have been sacked, so that was her biggest worry and fear.

I suppose it also depends on your personality doesn’t it? Some people can just deal with things better than others and even that varies, I have no phobias- spiders, rats, wasps etc, nothing like that bothers me where as my Step-Dad is scared of all that type of thing but he is a lot stronger than me with confrontation, I hate it and can’t deal with it at all he hates it too but can handle it really well. Different things bother different people. Although I said it’s not a competition I do think there is some truth in ’whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ mentality for example I was attacked once and they broke my jaw, knocked me out with a piece of wood and left me in the road. A year later I was mugged and wasn’t scared at all, it just wasn’t as bad as the attack or it didn’t feel like it in any case. Even that depends on the personality doesn’t it? I suppose, different people react differently, some people get doubly scared after something bad happens to them where as some people think ’I’ve been through this before’ so they are not frightened unless it steps up a gear. 

Also, a massive problem doesn’t always cancel other stuff out does it? If you have lost a leg in a horrific accident it doesn’t mean you can’t get upset if you break your favourite cup or something just because it’s not the worst thing you have ever experienced.

Everything in Perspective, that’s what I mean…I think.

This song sums it all up for me - 

Vous êtes ma sœur, nous sommes nés. Si innocent, si plein de besoin. Il y avait des fois où nous étions amis mais parfois j'étais si cruel. Chaque soir, je demande pour vous à me regarder comme je l'ai sommeil. J'ai eu tellement peur de la nuit. Vous semble se déplacer à travers les lieux que je craignais. Vous avez vécu dans mon monde, de manière douce. Protégée que par la bonté de votre nature. Vous êtes ma soeur. Et Je t'aime. Mai l'ensemble de vos rêves se réaliser. Nous avons ressenti de manière différente. Ainsi, au cours de la même année. La façon de rire la façon dont nous faisons l'expérience de la douleur. Tant de souvenirs. Mais theres rien à gagner à se souvenir. Des visages et des mondes que personne d'autre ne saura jamais. Vous êtes ma soeur. Et Je t'aime. Mai l'ensemble de vos rêves se réaliser. Je veux que ce pour vous. Ils vont se réaliser…va se réaliser.

Wenn Sie gebunden Toast mit Butter auf dem Rücken der Katze und warf ihn auf den Boden, was passieren würde?

Yo le dije al dentista que mi dientes son de color amarillo. Él me dijo que usar un lazo marrón

Everyone in my house has a big nose, actually in my family there are no middle sized noses, they are either huge (Like most of my Uncles, My Mom and me) or tiny (Like My Nan or My Brother). My Sister worries about her nose sometimes, all teenage girls have body issues though don’t they? As I have mentioned before I call her ‘Toucan’ but I don’t think that has anything to do with it….anyway I went looking for creatures that are funny looking but talented to cheer her up…and here they are -

Narwhal - Look at the size of it’s horn!! It can get to nine feet on some males!! It looks like someone’s just plonked a flagpole in their head, the horn is technically a tooth but no one knows why it has even got this toothy-horny-nosey-thing although scientists think it‘s do to with shagging or fighting. Some males have been seen having a fight with them,  like sword fighting and then it seems female and gay Narwhals love their bad boys because this scuffling impresses them. Scientists have also seen some Narwhals swimming about with someone else’s’ horn embedded into them as either a war wound or their form of an engagement ring telling other Narwhals ‘Tusks off this sexy swimmer’s taken!’ They are the closest we will get to Unicorns according to some bloke (It never gave his name)

The Pygmy Marmoset -  Look at this beast! It looks like an otter and a monkey had a baby then that baby grew up and had a baby with an owl and then this is their baby. The good thing is about TPMS is that they are multi-lingual (Probably due to their mixed species parentage hehe that bit is not true) and I like people who learn loads of languages : ) They can tweet like birds, shriek like banshees, squeal like pigs and whistle like builders, except their whistling is a bit better than pervy builders (I should have said wolves) because they do ultrasonic cries of alarm that no human ear can hear, so if one of you sexy people walked passed a pygmy marmoset and it checked out your arse, liked what it saw and wanted to let you know, you wouldn‘t have to pretend to ignore it or even be aware to hurl abuse at the sexist chauvinists. Anyway they are proper small, A male only weighs around 5 or 6 ounces when fully grown and they’re about the size of a lemon….I wonder if they’re bitter about it? : D

Proboscis Monkeys - …shame for them ain’t it? It is though isn’t it? Ahhh Bless their swollen testicle nose. It’s not actually a swollen testicle by the way, it’s just a mad looking nose that they have to push aside before eating. For every negative in life there is a positive though and Proboscis Monkeys are brilliant swimmers…because they have webbed fingers. I’m sure I’ve mentioned these before somewhere but I can’t remember when, I think it was on someone else’s’ blog actually.

Star Nosed Mole - . This one is my favourite I think, Star Nosed Moles or SNM (Haha S&M! Kinky buggers) seem to be very talented and do well, especially considering the condition they are born in. They start off at about 5 cm long, hairless, and weighing about one and a half grams, proper tiny. You may think ’Yeah they’re tiny but that’s not too bad’ well their eyes and ears are all sealed so they also started off as deaf and blind practically. After about thirty days everything opens so to speak and then by the time they are ten months old they are fully mature getting to between 15 to 20 cm in length, weigh about fifty five grams and  have forty four teeth (I’m liking the divisions by 11). Another thing I like about them is they are persistent, constantly on the go; day, night and even in winter where people have seen them tunnelling through the snow and swimming in ice-covered streams. They have long thick tails, which they use as a fat storage reserve for the breeding season in late winter or early spring, and the female has one litter of about four or five pups in late spring or early summer. Also, not only do they keep going, they go all over the place, Star Noses Moles dig shallow surface tunnels for foraging that often end up leading underwater but they’re ready for that because they are good swimmers and have water repellent fur plus large scaled feet so they can forage along the bottoms of streams and ponds, now so far that is impressive but this just blew me away in the impression stakes; they can SMELL underwater, that is amazing, they do it by breathing out air bubbles onto objects or scent trails and then breathing the bubbles back in to carry the smell back through the…nose…ah yes, finally I get to it…the nose, I’ve just mentioned a special power it has because of it  but there is no getting away from the feeling it looks has if it has been splattered in a pub brawl or something. It’s a circle of twenty two (Another division of 11) mobile, pink, fleshy tentacles at the end of the snout, Instead of growing in the same way fingers grow outward on a hand, they start as swellings on the face around the nose, and about fourteen days after birth they break free (so their nose has a similar thing to their eyes and ears) and move forward, opening and becoming useful in the same way a banana is peeled. The incredibly sensitive nasal tentacles are covered with minute touch receptors known as Eimer's organs (No wonder they can smell underwater), their nose is approximately one centimetre in diameter with roughly 25,000 Eimer's organs distributed on the twenty two tentacles. Other mole species also possess Eimer's organs, though they are not as specialized or numerous as in the SNM. Now this is all impressive, to me anyway, but what really takes the biscuit is that they are indeed record holders possessing the title of Fastest-eating mammal‘ They are geniuses!! It takes them an average of two hundred and twenty seven milliseconds to identify and consume individual food items. Its brain decides in the ultra short time of eight milliseconds if a prey is edible or not. Not everyone respects them though, Red-tailed Hawks, Great Horned Owls, weasels, large fish and skunks (Imagine being eaten by a skunk? I bet it stinks terrible in there based on what comes out) all like to eat them…but probably leave the nose like your supposed to do with the little salad dressage bit on your main course in a posh restaurant (I eat that bit anyway, waste not want not and my Mom has a go at me for it)

Aye-Aye - Jesus Christ these are scary aren’t they?!? They look like something you would see in your nightmares! Like a bat-hyena but they are actually lemurs, the rarest species of lemur in fact. Now if you are thinking ‘Yeah Jack they are a bit weird looking but I’m hardly pooing my pants with fright here!’…well…I think I’ve got something (well the Aye-Ayes have) that will tip you over the edge, take a look…at this -

You’ve got to be hiding under the covers or behind a chair or something now surely. The creepiest thing is what they do with their spider like fingers though, they ‘Tap on tree trunks in search of food. If they hear insects moving under the tree bark, they use those same middle fingers to scoop out the bugs and eat them‘ That is like some serial killer shit right there : S  Natives of Madagascar (The only place you’ll find Aye-Ayes, they are exclusively native to Madagascar…endemic if you prefer [Although I think they should be introduced to Northerners with a name like that]) absolutely hate them! They think they represent and bring bad luck. Their plight is similar to the Edward Scissorhands story because as well as the fucked up dangerous hands and everyone hating them because they are different, Aye-Ayes are endangered and very shy.

Scientists say people swear when they hurt themselves because it actually reduces the pain…shocking. A study lead by  Dr Richard Stephens at Keele University found volunteers were able to withstand pain for longer when they swore, the findings are published in the journal NeuroReport, may explain why swearing is common in languages all over the world. "Swearing is quite an emotional form of language and it is an almost universal human linguistic phenomenon," he said. His wife swore a lot when she was in labour and then apologised when it was all over but the medical staff said don’t worry because they hear it all the time (So all you pregnant women out there, forget the epidural, I know there’s a big debate going on at the moment about it, just swear your tits off and you’ll be fine) which got Richard thinking. He, along with the other researchers tested sixty four students' tolerance to pain by asking them to submerge their hand in a tub of ice water for as long as they could while repeating a series of swear words of their choice then to repeat the process by repeating non-offensive words they would use to describe a table (Are there any offensive words for tables?…’That fucking bollocking table bastard!’ perhaps?) volunteers who swore were able to keep their hands submerged in the water for an average of forty seconds longer and rated their pain lower.

So if you have tourettes don’t worry because although it can be embarrassing at social occasions like funerals, you’ll be able to withstand the beating from mourners whose loved one you just blurted out was a ‘Fucking slut’.

This reminded me of a joke me and my mates used to tell when we were about seven years old and thought it was the funniest thing ever.

“I’m a good Catholic boy, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and I don’t swear…oh crap I left my cigarettes in the pub!”

So the results of the ‘Name the famous faces’ game yesterday are as follows -

Hair - Mr T (I pity the fool who didn’t get that one, that joke was too hard to resist hehe)
Ears - Famous chef Gordon Ramsey (Two different pictures but the same persons ears…“You fuckers!”…As he would say)
Eyes - Recent Wimbledon Champion Serena Williams
Nose - QI Host and Twitter innovator Stephen Fry
Mouth - All singing all dancing John Barrowman (Captain Jack in Torchwood, which was very good yesterday I thought, I liked the sniffing man, what did anyone else that saw it think?)

And the winner is antontobias86 who was the only one who got them all right, albeit after numerous tries and a variety of clues : D So you can pick your prize Mikey Marvellous : ) But you did get complimented by a random stranger (Sort of) so that might be prize enough? Haha

My Mom did indeed make her own soup yesterday…but it was a lovely chicken chunk creamy broth for me so it wasn’t mental at all, she’s changing her image it seems : D Although she did make carrot and potato (See how she has to get the tatties in?) for my sister who wasn’t impressed complaining it was ‘lumpy’ so maybe there is hope she will remain the Salvador Dali of cooking.

Here is something I think is brilliant and not only creative but environmentally friendly and ‘cost effective’ (I heard that phrase on the radio) -

This is Robert Bradford from Ladock, near Truro, Cornwall, a ‘Toy artist’ who got fed up of throwing away his kid's unwanted toys so makes them into giant sculptures. He gets up to £12,000 each for them so he ain‘t doing too bad.

This is what he says "The toys made a great combination of colours, shapes and textures all jumbled up and it gave me the idea to glue, stick and screw them together into a new 'being' or species" Which makes him sound a bit like Dr Frankenstein….maybe he’s working his way up?

The first one he did was an Alsatian dog but don’t mention it to him because he hates it look "It was an experiment (A bit more Dr F business) and I don't like it much now but I loved the process so I started making more and more of them."…A whole army, maybe he wants to take over the world? There has been a lot of storms recently, the wheels may already be in motion.

He has done loads actually (I can’t find out exactly how many…maybe only he knows? Keeping his plan a secret until he makes his first move) using up to 3,000 toys each, beginning with plastic figures and then branching out to cuddly toys and household objects like nail brushes and brillo pads (You may think using brillo pads and nail brushes is cheating as they’re not technically toys but I used to play with stuff like that at my Nans so fair play to him, plus they are durable to withstand many battles taking over the world)

The biggest things he has made are called 'The Toy Soldier' (Makes sense if he is making an army) and 'The Toy Angel' (To pray to for strength and guidance before charging into battle). I’m liking his ’What you see is what you get’ style naming process. They took him roughly two months to make each and they’re constructed of all sorts that his kids discarded as well as things he found at car boot sales and charity shops etc

He said: "The Toy Soldier was built during the Iraq war so it is as macho as possible (I wonder if his next one will be a sailor?) loaded with an aircraft carrier planes, multiple pistols, walkie talkies and of course his faithful Kalashnikov (Armed & Dangerous) softened only a little by a Barbie camera." So he represents both the masculine and feminine sides of human life

There’s a lot of creative people on my friends-list that I think could do similar stuff like this extremely well, if you like what you see, here is his website if you want to find out more about him or get inspiration or even ally with him so he doesn’t kill you when he starts his bid for global domination -  www.robertbradford.co.uk

Do you think he wants to take over the world?


 

Lets play a game : ) Here is a face made up of five global (Well I think they are global) Superstars 1) Hair 2) Ears 3) Eyes 4) Nose and Cheeks 5) Mouth and Jaw -

Can you guess who they are?  

My Mom saw ‘some survey’ I don’t know which one or where (We’re dealing in facts here you understand?) That Soup was voted the number one most unhealthy food of all time.

I’m guessing it’s canned soups not the organic brands. I knew this already we did it at school, I had to just look up the exact reasons though and this why - They have high levels of trans fats, sodium and artificial preservatives like MSG. (Unlike MGS which is a computer game). Just one cup of canned soup can have almost 1,000 milligrams of salt, and dietary guidelines recommend consuming no more than 2,400 milligrams for the entire day.

How many people have more than two and a half cans of soup a day?  If you do you’re in serious trouble.

The only thing my sister eats really is soup but she always has the organic vegetarian variety, most of what she has doesn’t even look like soup it looks like strange coloured water so I don’t think she’ll be getting fat just die of poisoning.

Anyway because she has found out soup will make you obese My Mom has decided to make her own variety. The problem is my Mom is a mental cook. She isn’t a ‘bad’ cook if you know what I mean? Stuff she makes isn’t burnt on the outside raw on the inside type style, she just makes mad things. I don’t mean like that Old Lady in ‘The Vicar of Dibley’ either for anyone who has seen that programme, she puts things that wouldn’t normally go together sometimes but not mixed together like custard lasagne or anything like that.

Although and I’m sure I’ve written about this before, she did make a frozen pea lolly, that was her maddest thing, if you didn’t read about that basically she coated frozen  mushy peas that had fused together that she wanted to shift out of the freezer in honey and sugar, popped them on a stick and served them to me for dessert telling me it was a lime-flavoured ice lolly. When I asked her why she did this she just said it was “Practical” Is that practical do you think?

Another time when I had a mate round for tea she served us beef burgers, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, fries and potato waffles, seriously, my mates’ critique was that it was “Very Irish” the xenophobe!! No gravy or sauce with it either so it was an effort to eat all that tatty dining.

She went on a cooking course once that was ran for parents of kids who went to my brothers school and since she was a parent of a kid who went to my brothers school and we wind her up about her insane servings she went along. They taught her how to make two dishes, A chicken and spinach thing and a raisin cake thing. We had the chicken and spinach thing for dinner about four times a week and the raisin cake thing for dessert for about two weeks and then she went back to her old ways. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks I suppose.

My Nan (My Moms Mom) is a rubbish cook, so to be fair to My Mom she only had her own thought process to go on and since My Mom has thoughts like “The worst name in the world is Hugh, because it sounds like You and would lead to confusion like ’Are you talking to me?’ ’No I’m talking to Hugh’ ’Huh?!’ ’I’m talking to Hugh’ ’Are you taking the piss?!’ You can see why her culinary skills are the way they are. I don’t know why the actual ’Hugh’ in the situation wouldn’t interject and explain what was going on or you wouldn’t say ’Listen, I am talking to this man and his name happens to be Hugh, H-U-G-H’ either but this is my Moms’ explanation for why you shouldn’t call your child Hugh, possible advice from her for all you pregnant ones out there  

I went to my Nan’s’ once and she gave me a piece of ham and an apple for dinner, I was about five but even I knew that was shoddy work. Your Nan is supposed to be good at cooking isn’t she? She’s the one who got a ‘Garage Music’ CD free with the paper and plays it when she does the vacuuming.

To be fair though I’m not a very good cook, but I’m experimental, (Same as My Mom except she doesn’t have the ‘experi’ part) So if you can recommend any things I will definitely try to make them and let you know how I get on.

I like trying new things, I think I’ve eaten all types of meat pretty much, whether they are from water, land or sea.

I am not the most experimental taster I‘ve met though, I knew a kid at school that said his dad used to get stuff from the butcher and the butcher would give his Dad the pigs penis for their dog to have and one day this kid ate it. He said it tasted like ’Onion’ which is a bit weird.

What was I on about anyway?…Oh yeah I was speculating on My Mom cooking up crazy soups…that’s how exciting my life is.

I know some of you have been down recently or in the past because of things getting on top of you and odds being stacked against you, so I wanted to show you that it is possible to turn the tide and fight against oppressors and adversity and have success

Here is a picture of a mountain toad  eating a Jerdon's pit viper in at Qingcheng Mountain park in Sichuan, central China, a direct reversal of their normal roles -

It was taken by a tourist called Ran Longzhong from Chongqing, also in China, who was shocked at what he saw but didn’t run away in fright, instead, captured the shocking moment with his camera.

I saw some reports on this event that said he ’luckily’ had his camera with him and I thought well he is a tourist, he’d be a bit of a rubbish one if he never had his camera with him wouldn‘t he? Imagine that when he came home “Did you enjoy your trip?” “Yeah it was great I saw some beautiful views” “Did you take any pictures?” “No I never took my camera” “…oh, what‘s the point of seeing them all if you didn‘t take any pictures so you can remember it ?” “I‘ve got a good memory” “Memories fade…plus you can’t show people memories to impress them” “I’ll just tell you about it in a really detailed way” “I haven‘t got a good imagination and anyway you could just be making it up” “I saw a toad eat a snake!” “…exactly”

This is what Ran said about it anyway "I was wandering on the mountain road, and suddenly I spotted a toad that was eating down a snake, which was still struggling. The toad ate down the whole snake in around five minutes. It's hard to believe that a predator can be hunted by its prey."

Five minutes is a long time though isn’t it? Just to be watching something getting eating whilst helplessly struggling, sounds a bit sadistic too. I don’t know why he didn’t take a few more shots documenting the digestion of the snake and not just one where the toad half way through….maybe he did or maybe the shock took three minutes to subside and then he had to take the lens-cap off and wait for it to come into focus and it left him with hardly anytime. It’s eating it from the bottom up as well, that’s sadistic too isn’t it? The snake is aware of the horror for longer :S  that’s how my brother eats those jelly sweet snake things actually so maybe he is a bit evil too?

Apparently a local zoologist said it was the first time he had ever heard of a snake being eaten by a toad, but it isn’t, so he’s a bit rubbish and should be sacked : P, look -

A cane toad ate a Keelback snake (Which are the only snakes that can eat a cane toad). It happened about a year ago at Ringwood Station, about 100km south of Darwin in Australia and at the time it was discovered 10-60cm of the snake was down the toad's throat. 

Cane toads have a bad reputation, they were introduced to Australia in 1935 as a method of agricultural pest control but their toxic skin kills many native predators when ingested and farmers are furious because of pets and animals eating the creatures and then dying.

Now you may think these two events are not good examples of triumphing over adversity if you are a snake or snake lover, especially the first one, but this second one is a fantastic example all around don‘t worry!!

And here is why, the man who stumbled across it saved the snake from the toad's mouth and released it in nearby bush land and the 12cm toad survived too, so there you have a hero saving the day (Not just taking a picture to get all famous like some people hehe) and everyone involved remaining alive and well

Have you got any positive examples of triumphing over adversity? Maybe you could do a better job of cheering people up than me, jessamyn_rl already has in the comment box : )

Here is a great representation of love I think and my favourite performance of the many great ones -

The speaker loves the young lady beyond measure, noting that though he must leave her for a while he will return for her even if he must travel ten thousand miles, so it is full of hope, true love, promises, sadness, longing, desire and triumphing over adversity.

A Red, Red Rose by Robert Burns (25 January 1759 – 21 July 1796)

O, my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I,
And I will luve thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun!
O I will luve thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!

Here is an  interesting blog for all you horror zombie outbreak fans out there and I know there’s a few…at least one because it’s you doing it : )  lilzombiegirl have a cheeky little read and see how it all unfolds

I’ve got three spots on my stomach : S not very nice, I look like a pig with all those nipples on their belly, how many nipples does a pig have? About eight apparently but it varies. Both boars and sows have two rows of nipples. The females use them to nurse their young, but the nipples on a boar are useless like a mans are but at least we don’t have eight of the useless protruders. I haven’t even got two, I’ve got about 1¾  nipples I’d say, there’s a little fact for you.

When I was about 11 I was standing in line in the school playground and one of my nipples got caught on the stitching of my shirt and I pulled at it and a chunk of it came off and left a little scab it was quite painful but I didn’t cry or anything, it looks like a tiny upside down triangle.

So I’ve got 1¾  nipples, eight toenails (But ten toes don’t worry) and half a real jaw, sounds like I’m slowly eroding or something

I can not find any male of any species that has useful nipples, is there one? I know male seahorses have babies but I think even then the Mom does the breastfeeding…nah I don’t think any breastfeeding goes on because the milk would just float away…unless It came out in short sharp bursts…No I don’t think they do, do they?

Penguins produce milk for their babies but that’s out of their stomach not their tits

The only good thing about male nipples is that they play a small role in sexual stimulation and even then some men don’t like that do they? Some women don’t like it either, but they like it when you twiddle them like radio tuners, that is fact because my Dad told me.

I’ve found some!!!

http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/miscarticles/milkmen.html

They call themselves Milkmen: Fathers who breastfeed (Sounds like a really dodgy porno)

And also it says -

In 1992, 18 Dayak fruit bats were captured from a rainforest in the Krau Game Reserve, Pahang, Malaysia. Of the 10 mature males captured, each had functional mammary glands from which small amounts of milk were expressed.

So there you go, Bats can do it (Batman must definitely be able to)

But I am wondering if they mean they produce a little bit but not enough and not in constant supply to nourish their baby? So in the human case it would just be a ‘Nice quaint bonding bit of fun’ New age parents do after they’ve eaten the placenta (Placentas are actually supposed to be quite tasty actually I saw it on a cookery programme, anyone eaten one post-womb?)

It says on that site there is a British Documentary coming out about breastfeeding Fathers soon so I’ll look forward to that…what’s the betting it’s gonna be on Channel Five?

For anyone who doesn’t live in the UK, we have five terrestrial channels and Channel Five is the newest (Are there still some places that can’t get a reception?) and it shows all the mad shit like ’Man with tree trunk hands’, ’My Wife is a Rabbit’ and ‘I am Elvis reincarnated’ (Two of them are real)

Stallions are lucky, they haven’t got any nipples (I mean male horses here not Sylvester Stallone or any other big muscled men for that matter)

A Mare's two nipples are by their tail instead of up by their arm(Fore-limb)pits and this is why Stallions don’t have them because their cocks are too big and there’s no room : D That’s a great reason!

I wish that was true with humans, you’d know who was telling truth and who was just bragging then. “Yeah I’ve got a massive cock darling!” “*Has a feel around in the specific area* You liar you’ve got nipples Mr Tiny cock!”

Although I suppose Men that really wanted to convince people they had a big penis could just chop them off...or 'accidently' pull them off in the stitching of their shirts